One Step at a Time

Some mark the passage of time in years, beginning in January and ending in December. I however, seem to be more inclined to mark it by significant events or dates in my life. It may seem that all I ever write about is Haiti, and the dates associated with it, but I promise that those are not the only things of importance that happen to me! However, even as I say that, that is exactly what this blog is about...but it's not so much about the date as it is about the amazing awesomeness of God! 

At this time last year, I was going through one of the most difficult times of my life as I was faced with the reality of my departure from Haiti after having lived there for two years. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was God's will and plan for me to leave Haiti, and I had an inexplicable peace about it. But that didn't make it easy. Looking back on my journal entries, I found an excerpt that articulates what I was going through very well: 

"I am learning something about peace. Peace does not mean that there will not be pain, or that things will be easy. Rather there is peace in knowing that, not matter the circumstance, I can run to the arms of my Saviour and find shelter in the One who loves me and cares for my heart more an anyone could.... Peace comes in knowing that no matter what changes life brings, God is my Constant. God did not promise ease - He promised to be there when it's hard (and good), and that it will be worth it all."

Reflecting on this past year, I can say with absolute confidence that God has been very near and at work. I got to be present for various significant milestones in the lives of my family members, and I was privileged to spend nine incredible, sacred weeks at Ellerslie Leadership Training in Windsor, Colorado last fall. It was a time of great growth in my relationship with Jesus; I learned more fully what it means when God calls us to live a life of obedience to Him. It is absolutely amazing to think that the One who created the entire universe would wish to call me His child and bring me into fellowship with Him. There is nothing that I possess that He could possibly need, yet He chooses to work in and through me, imperfect though I am! Words fail to describe the wonder of God :-)

Since then, I have had the privilege of working with young moms and their babies at Ramoth House in my hometown, encouraging and supporting them, by God's grace, as they begin the great task of mothering. I've also had the pleasure of learning all kinds of fun little details about the business of fish bait; I had no idea the worms were such complex creatures! It may not be a glamorous side-job, but it has definitely been part of the way God has provided! I know that this is all part of the reason that God brought me back home to Ontario. There are things He wants me to learn and understand that, for whatever reason, I could not in Haiti. It's simply that He leads us all in different ways; I may never fully understand the reasons for the ways God has directed my life and will direct it in the future. But that's why I must live by faith. If there's one thing that I have learned, it is that God's ways are perfect. They are not easy, but they are the best, and there is no place I'd rather be than in the centre of His will. For now, that place is right here with my family, my friends, my church, my co-workers, my community.... I am far from forgetting my beloved Haiti, and am learning to pray for her people from afar, to root for and dream for the little nation that I know God is at work in and has great plans for. One day God may lead me back to work in Haiti, but today He has called me here, and asks me to be faithful in each task.

"Lord, Thou hast been our dwelling place in all generations. Before the mountains were brought forth, or even Thou hadst formed the earth and the the world, even from everlasting to everlasting, Thou art God." 

Psalm 90:1-2

Five Years Ago ...

It's been five years since I first met and fell in love with a little island tucked away in the West Indies. Just over five years since I stepped off the plane on the dark February evening and felt the island heat blast against my face. Just over five years since I first rode up the winding mountain road that led to the place that has become my second home. These five years have been filled with joys and sorrows, challenges and triumphs, heartbreaking goodbyes and joyful reunions. Much has happened in those years, and I am continually reminded of how privileged I am to have had so incredible an opportunity. God has been so very faithful, and will remain faithful. That's just one thing I have learned in the past five years! 

Ayiti, Cheri, mwen sanje ou chak jou! 

"All to Jesus I surrender, all to Him I freely give. I will ever love and trust Him, in His presence daily live. I surrender all, I surrender all. All to Thee, my blessed Saviour, I surrender all."

"...unto Him who is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think..." Ephesians 3:20

When God Speaks

Sometimes God speaks through the beauty of His creation, like when you wake up in the middle of the night to watch the meteor shower, and see multiple 'stars' shoot through the sky and think of how huge the galaxy is. And how amazing it is that the constellations are so far away from Earth that the same formations can be seen in Canada as are seen in Haiti? 

Sometimes God speaks through children and babies - when they do or say something that once again reminds you how precious and amazing the very fact of life is. Or when a tiny, tiny baby lays all swaddled up and even if not full term, he or she has all his fingers and toes and a perfect little nose.

Sometimes God speaks directly to our hearts. Sometimes it comes as a surprise, and other times because we've been intentional about spending time with Him.

And other times He speaks through the Bible and the written word. That's what happened to me this morning. I was thinking to myself that today marks two weeks left in Haiti, and was boggled at the realization. As my friend and coworker opened our devotional book to spend our daily time with God, the date jumped out at me again. August 14th. But soon it wasn't so much the date that stood out to me as it was the content of the devotion. As i read it out loud after having heard it once, it really spoke to me. This is what it said:

"I am yours for all eternity. I am the Alpha and the Omega: the One who is and was and is to come. The world you inhabit is a place of constant changes--more than your mind can absorb without going into shock. Even the body you inhabit is changing relentlessly, in spite of modern science's attempts to prolong youth and life indefinitely. I, however, am the same yesterday and today and forever.

Because I never change, your relationship with Me provides a rock-solid foundation for your life. I will never leave your side. When you move on from this life to the next, My Presence beside you will shine brighter with each step. You have nothing to fear, because I am with you for all time and throughout eternity."

Revelation 1:8; Hebrews 13:8; Psalm 102:25-27; Psalm 48:14
(bolding mine)
From 'Jesus Calling' by Sarah Young

Source: http://sarahyoungdevotions.blogspot.com/2012/08/august-14.html

It was exactly what I needed today. It amazes me when stuff like this happens. The author had no idea that on this particular day, i would need to read those words, and she certainly didn't write them specifically for me - but it sure felt like it! God knew exactly what I needed to hear, and He used the work of this author. 

"You have nothing to fear, because I am with you for all time and throughout eternity...."

"And, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world." Matthew 28:20

Amazed.

Some days I am amazed at how incredibly blessed I am to be a part of this organization and to be a part of these kids lives. To know that when I enter the nursery, the kids will grin at me, yell for my attention, or latch onto my leg (as annoying as that may be) is pretty cool. And to have a pretty sure confidence that when I open that bright blue gate and enter the yard at the Toddler House, someone is probably going to start chanting my name and want me to hang out with them is a good self-esteem booster to say the least! :-)

Today several verses from Psalms stood out in my mind; i'm sure they were placed there as a reminder from God. The verses are from Psalm 37, and this is what they say:

"Trust in the LORD, and do good; dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. 

Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. 

Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass.......

The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, and He delights in his way. 

Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down;

For the Lord upholds him with His hand."

verses 4-5 & 23-24

TRUST in the Lord, FEED on His faithfulness. Wow. I forget that too often. I forget to trust, or I think that I have things under control, or doubt that God would have things in order already. In good times and bad, I need to remember to draw close to God and revel in His faithfulness - be amazed at it and reminded of it and ever conscious of it. God is faithful in the little things in life, and He can certainly handle the big things!
And then - DELGHT yourself in the Lord. Think about it. "Delight yourself in the Lord - and He will give you the desires of your heart." I think this can easily be misinterpreted. We could think that if we learn to delight in and love the Lord, we will automatically get all those things we want. However, what I understand it to really mean is that as I delight myself in the Lord, the desires of my heart should start to look less like my own ambitions or wants, and more like those of God. God's ways are perfect. I have hopes and dreams for my life, and some of them may certainly be from God Himself, but I know that God's ways are so much higher than mine. I need to trust Him lead me - not try to jump ahead and work things out on my own. He has shown me over and over in the past that His plans far outweigh what I thought was possible or even what I'd hoped for. He wants me to COMMIT my way to Him, TRUST Him to be faithful, and ALLOW Him to bring it to pass in His perfect time and way. He had plans for my life (and every person's life) before I breathed my first breath, and He has set them before me, whether I can see them yet or not. God takes great pleasure in seeing His version of our life stories come to pass - He DELIGHTS in it. 
When I fall, am discouraged, or am hurt, the Lord holds me up with His hand. He is there through the joys, He holds my hand or carries me through the trials. He does not do this because I deserve it. He does it because even though He knows every one of my faults and weaknesses, He somehow still views me as precious and looks on me with this incredible love and acceptance that I could never hope to earn. How amazing is that??

Hungry ~ Kathryn Scott

Hungry, I come to you / For I know You satisfy / I am empty, but I knowYour love does not run dry / So I wait for you / So I wait for You / I’m falling on my knees / Offering all of me / Jesus, You’re all this heart is living for.

      Broken, I run to You / For Your arms are open wide

I am weary, but I know / Your touch restores my life / So I wait for you / So I wait for You / I’m falling on my knees / Offering all of me / Jesus, You’re all this heart is living for.

God never said it would be easy.....

Whoever (and by 'whoever' I mean Alfred Lord Tennyson) said 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all' probably was right. But sometimes, when the 'losing' part of 'loved and lost' stands before you, it feels like it might have been easier to never have loved in the first place. Not better, mind you. Just easier. Then there's Kahlil Gibran who says 'Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.' Truer words were never spoken, I don't think!

I feel like as the time for my departure draws closer, (and i really try to avoid thinking about it too much, but it's getting a little hard to keep doing that) I have to keep reminding myself that this is what God is calling me to for now. One song that God keeps bringing me back to and speaking to my heart by it is called 'You Revive Me' by Christy Nockels. These are the lyrics:

You Revive Me ~ Christy Nockels

Chorus: You revive me / You revive me Lord / And all my deserts are rivers of joy / You are the treasure I could not afford / So I'll spend myself till I'm empty and poor / All for You / You revive me Lord / Verse 1: Lord I have seen Your goodness / And I know the way You are / Give me eyes to see You in the dark / And Your face shines a glory / That i only know in part / And there is still a longing /  A longing in my heart / Chorus / Verse 2: / My soul is thirsty / Only You can satisfy / You are the well that never will run dry / And i'll praise You for the blessing / For calling me Your friend / And in Your name I'm lifting / I'm lifting up my hands / Bridge:I / 'm aliveI'm alive / You breathe on me / You revive me. (source: http://www.newreleasetuesday.com/lyricsdetail.php?lyrics_id=74148)

To Everything There is a Season

If you had asked me four or five years ago where I though I would be and what I would be doing by the time I was in my early twenties, I would not have even imagined that I would be where I am now. God has blessed me above and beyond anything I could have imagined. God took pretty much every idea I had for my life and altered it into what He saw as perfect. That is not to say that it has always been easy. It hasn't. But has it been worth it? Has God been faithful? YES! The past year and 10 months has been a time of stretching, growing, refining; joy, laughter, friendships; a deepening of my relationship with God, a greater appreciation for the work that goes on here at GLA and for all the staff members that make this ministry possible. I am humbled to have the opportunity to be a small part of it all. I truly believe that God brought me here for this season, probably as much to teach me things about myself (and especially to teach me things about Him), as He did for me to 'make a difference'. I have become more and more aware that without Him I would be nothing and could do nothing!

All that said, I have felt that God is calling me to a season of getting to know Him more intimately and having a greater understanding of His heart. I have the opportunity to attend a leadership training program called Ellerslie which is based in Windsor, Colorado. It is a nine week program that starts in October, and goes to mid-December. I'm looking forward to that time! Also, my brother is getting married in September (:-D!!!!), so I will be moving home at the end of August. It's exciting to look to what the rest of this year holds, but it is also extremely difficult to imagine what life will be like away from this organization that has become like my second home, these people who have become my second family, these babies and kids who unkowingly hold a huge portion of my heart, and this country that seems to 'pale nan ke m''(speak to my heart) like nothing else.

I do not look forward to the day that I pack up my suitcases, tell everyone goodbye (whether it be for a little or a long while), climb into the vehicle, bounce up that bumpy 'wout' one last time, drive through these familiar streets and head down the winding mountain road to the airport. I do not look forward to taking that last breath of Haiti air; to getting on that plane; to taking off and watching those beloved mountains (deye mon, gen mon. Behind the mountains, more mountains) get smaller and smaller and eventually disappear from view. If I thought it was hard the other times I did that, it's going to be ten times harder this time! However, I have a deep peace about this decision. I do not doubt that this is God's plan for the rest of this year. Anything beyond that, I do not know yet. He will reveal the next step in His perfect time. He never fails, and He will be there to carry me when I don't feel like I can do it on my own. A verse that I hold onto tightly is from Matthew 28:20 where it says '....and lo, I am with you always. Even unto the end of the world.' It does not matter where or to what God leads me; what matters is that He is with me!  He may bring me back here again, or He may lead me in a completely different direction. My job is to be open to the leading of the Lover of my soul!

This summer is going to be a busy one; I have new responsibilities to take on while one of my co-workers is in the States for two months and others are out for shorter periods. It is exciting to have this opportunity to try my hand at another role here, but it will keep me busy! Thankfully, I won't be alone! 

Before I know it, the next two months will be over. However, I will do my best to focus on each day as it comes and get the most out of/put the most into it that i can. I do not want to leave with 'I wish I'd done this' or 'If only I had done that'. What I want to leave here with is: 'wow! Look what God did! Look how amazingly He works things together for good! Look how He always provides! Look how He uses imperfect, faulty humans, and somehow brings about something good!' What I need to remember is that it is not about what I can do or how I can make a difference (there are an awful lot of 'I's in this blog post), but about what God can do, and how God can make a difference. For whatever reason, He simply chooses to use this broken, cracked vessel. 2 Corinthians 4:7 ^'But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us.' (Read the whole chapter; it's all good!)

Any prayers would be much appreciated! Pray that I will be able to keep my head on straight and that I would do my jobs thoroughly and correctly. Pray that I would make every moment count. Pray that God would be glorified in everything, because it is all about Him! 

‎"Every experience God gives us, every person He puts into our lives, is the perfect preparation for a future only He can see." Corrie ten Boom

On This Day

On this day, May 26th, three years ago on a sunny morning in the mountains of Haiti, I said goodbye to the children and people who had become so special to me. Up until that point in my life (all 19 years of it) I had never experienced something so difficult! Before I left the Toddler House, all the kids had come into the yard to sing the 'Au Revoir' song for me. It was all I could do to keep it together, and i didn't do the greatest job of it. Not only did they sing for me, but they also all came up to me and either gave me a hug or a kiss on the cheek. It nearly broke my heart to say goodbye to the kids! Somehow, by the grace of God, I walked out that gate and hiked down the hill for the last time. I didn't know if or when I would ever be back, and it was hard to leave, even though I knew that the children did not 'need' me; they had wonderful caregivers who loved them and cared for them every day!


God used the experiences I had in the six and a half months prior to that day (and that days as well, I'm sure) to give me a sense of His heart and begin a work in mine. If I had not come to Haiti the first time in 2008, I would possibly not be where I am today (which is, ironically, in Haiti). But as always, God's plans are perfect, and He has a purpose in everything, whether it be to change, shape, encourage, even break us; but ultimately to draw us closer to Him. Romans 8:28 says  ^'And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.' That was three years ago.

Today on this day, I had the wonderful opportunity to spend a day at the beach with the awesome people who are my coworkers and friends, as well as the great group of volunteers we have right now. It was a great day of sunshine, beach, sand, salt water, pool, sunburn (even though i re-applied the sunscreen SO many times!), friendship, and celebrating birthdays and anniversaries. 

Over the course of the day, I didn't think much of it being an anniversary for me; I knew it was either today or tomorrow, but I couldn't remember for sure. I did, however, think about the fact that this could be the last opportunity I have to go to that beach. Because on the day after this day, in three months, I will be once again saying goodbye. Only this time it will be even harder because I have grown to know and love these people and the kids even more than I did the last time I left. I don't know when I will be back, although I'm sure I will be at some point, even if only to visit. I have no idea what God has in store for me after this year, but I do have the confidence that, as excruciating as it is going to be to leave, He is calling me back to Ontario for at least a time, whether it be a few months, a year, a couple years.... I am excited about the things that i know will happen after I go home, but I don't want these next three months to end; I wish they would pass slowly, but that isn't likely because each month seems to go faster and faster, and it is going to be a busy summer. I'll just have to take it a day at a time, invest myself in the people and children here, trust God to use me for His work and to give me the strength to do it, and remind myself that time is short so i need to cherish it. God has me here right now; this is His will for me at this moment, and I need to use every opportunity to do the work He has for me. 

"For I know the plans i have for you" declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11